| JOKES
PAGE
Let's face it, you can never know too many jokes. Who knows what's just
around the corner? You could be at a job interview tomorrow and your
prospective employer says: "Tell me a good joke and the job's yours!"
Or you may want to impress a date with your sparkling wit. Whatever the
purpose - we hope you can find something suitable from our selection below:
 The local journalist had been sent to interview a woman who had
eleven kids. They were all boys and she was hoping to start up her own football
team.
"So Mrs Haverlot, this is your eldest son. What's his name?"
"Bobby," she said. "After Bobby
Charlton."
The journalist scribbled in his notebook.
"And this lad here, what's his name?"
"Bobby," she replied.
He looked puzzled, but continued.
"What about this one?"
"Bobby," she replied
The journalist laughed.
"You'll be telling me next that they're all called Bobby."
"That's right," she said.
"But how do they know who you want when you call one of them?"
"Oh that's no problem," she said, "they've
all got different surnames."  |
Two hillbillies were visiting the big city for the
first time and ended up in a big department store. They were overwhelmed by
everything around them particularly the two silver coloured lift doors which
seemed to open and close on their own. As they watched, a wizened old lady
pressed a button on the wall and as the doors opened she entered and the doors
closed again. Lots of lights started flashing and some minutes later, the doors
reopened and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
 "Well I'll be dammed," said one of the
hillbillies. "I'm off to get the wife."
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"It's funny how old age affects you," said
one old man to the other.
"Do you know, it's made my wife's arms shorter."
"Really?"
"Yeah, when we were first married, she could put her
arms right around me." |
A golfer sets up for a tee-shot with a row of trees and an out-of-bounds on
the right hand side. He slices wildly and the ball heads off in the direction
of the trees. About fifteen minutes later a policeman approaches him,
"Is this your ball?"
"Yes I think it is."
 "Well," says the officer, "it
went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat
ran out of the front door. A bus was driving by at the time and the driver,
trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded into flames and there were
no survivors."
"Oh my god, that's terrible," said the golfer. "Is there
anything I can do?"
The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping
your left arm a little straighter and start your down swing with your
hips." |
Following a night out with a few friends, a man
brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors
were puzzled by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the
guests asked.
"Why, that's the speaking clock" the man
replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong
an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the
other side of the wall screamed, "For God's
sake, it's twenty to two in the bloody morning!" |
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Phil and Dave went for a game of golf one Saturday afternoon but Phil was
under strict instructions from his wife to be back by four o'clock because she
wanted him to take her shopping.
 Four o'clock passed, so did five o'clock and six o'clock. Eventually
Phil arrived home at seven.
"Where on earth have you been?" she
screamed.
"Honey," said Phil, "a terrible thing happened. We made it to
the first green when Dave dropped dead of a heart attack."
The wife felt guilty. "That's awful," she
said. "You're telling me," said Phil. "The rest of the
round it was hit the ball, drag Dave, hit the ball, drag Dave…."
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A man took his dog to the vets and asked for its tail
to be completely removed.
 The vet said "that's a bit
drastic".
The man replied "My mother-in-law's coming to stay
next week and I want to make sure there's no sign of any welcome".
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After a few years of married life, a man finds that
he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but
nothing works. One day he sees an advert for a witch doctor and goes to see
him.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure
this."
He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash
with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing,
but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it
shall rise for as long as you wish! And when it's over, all you or your partner
has to say is '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work
again for another year!"
The guy goes home and that night, he is ready to surprise
his wife with the good news. So he gets into bed with her and says:
"1-2-3," and suddenly gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says:
"What did you say '1-2-3' for?" |
Why can't men make ice cubes?
Because they don't know the recipe. |
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack
to his mate, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken to me for
six months."
Bill thought about this for a moment and replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives
like that are hard to find." |
What's the difference between a single man and a
married man?
A single man will lay awake all night thinking about
something you said.
A married man will fall asleep before you
finish. |
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A young man had been going out with his girlfriend for two months and
decided he would like to buy her a present but not something that was really
personal in case she thought he was getting too serious.
Unsure of what to buy, he asked his sister to go with him to the shops and
after looking around he decided to buy some gloves.
 As the young man made his purchase his sister also did some shopping
and bought a pair of knickers.
Unfortunately, in wrapping up the two purchases, the shop assistant got them
muddled up so the young man got the knickers instead of the gloves.
 He never thought to check and when he got back home he
simply wrote a note to go with the gift and posted the package that evening.
His letter read: "My darling Debs, I do hope you
like this little gift. I bought them for you as I noticed that you don't wear
any when we go out in the evenings. My sister would have chosen the long ones
but I thought the shorter ones are easier to get off. I hope you like the
colour. The shop assistant had a pair the same colour and she showed me a pair
she'd been wearing for the past two months and they were hardly soiled. She was
very helpful and tried yours on for me so I could see what they looked like. I
wish I could be there when you first try them on, but as I am not seeing you
until Saturday I expect that others will see them before I do. Until then, all
my love, Dave.
P.S. The shop assistant also gave me a little tip. When
you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will be a
little damp from wearing, of course." |
A married couple are driving down the main road at
50mph. The wife is driving and the husband looks over and says
"Honey, I know we've been married for fifteen years,
but I want a divorce."
 The wife says nothing but increases her speed
to 60mph. He then says "I don't want you to
try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best
friend, and she's a better lover than you."
Again the wife stays silent but increases her speed to
70mph. "I want the house." He says.
"And the kids too."
The wife just keeps driving faster and faster - now she's
up to 80mph. "I want the car, the savings
account and the credit cards as well," he
adds.
The wife starts to veer towards a bridge as he
asks "Is there anything you
want?"
"No, I've got everything I need,"
says the wife. "What's
that?" he asks, just before they hit the
bridge at 90mph.
"The air bag," she
replies. |
A newly-wed couple are just beginning their
honeymoon. The bloke takes off his trousers, gives them to the girl and tells
her to put them on. They're four sizes too big, so she says
"There's no way I can wear
these." "Good," he replies.
"Now you know who wears the trousers in this relationship."
Then she takes off her tiny knickers off and says
"OK, put these on." "I can't get
into them," the bloke says.
"Absolutely right."
She says. |
"Colin," she
whispered, nudging him in the ribs to wake him up.
"I can hear noises downstairs, I think we've got
burglars. Go and see." But Colin refused to
move.
"What's happened to you,"
she hissed. "You were
brave when you married me."
"I know," he
replied, "that's what all my friends told
me." |
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Dave and Debbie were fast asleep in bed in the early
hours when there was a knock at their front door. Dave tried to ignore it but
moments later the knocking was repeated, louder than before.
"Go and see who it is, Dave," said Debbie.
"It must be important at this hour."
Dave put on his dressing gown and went downstairs to
answer the door. He was greeted by a drunk who said in a slurred voice
"I need a push."
Dave slammed the door and went back upstairs. When he
climbed back into bed he grumbled to Debbie about what the drunk had asked for.
Debbie said: "Dear, if we'd broken down in
the middle of the night, we'd hate to be turned away like that."
"But he's drunk," said Dave.
"It doesn't matter,"
said Debbie. "He needs
our help. Go down there and give him a push."
Reluctantly Dave got out of bed, got fully dressed, and
went downstairs. When he opened the door he couldn't see the stranger in the
darkness so he called out: "Do you still need a push?"
A voice came back "Yes
please."
Where are you?" he called out. 
A voice called back, "Over here!...On your swing!" |
 A fat bloke sees a notice in a shop window: 'A
bed, a woman and a pie for £5.' He goes into the shop and says to
the owner: 'Is that right - a bed, a woman and a pie for
only £5?' 'Of course,' says the
shopkeeper. 'Sounds a bargain, but what kind of pies are
they?' asks the fat bloke. |
| What's six inches long, three inches wide and drives
women wild? A £50 pound note! |
 Over a few pints of beer, two men
were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn't notice the time.
Suddenly, last orders were called and the first man exclaimed. "That's me for the cold-shoulder treatment. I promised the
wife I'd be home early."
He looks glumly into his pint and continued, "I just can't win. Whenever I go out I make sure none of
the doors squeak, I oil the garden gate, I move anything I might trip over in
the dark and then when I get home, I take my shoes off before going upstairs,
undress in the bathroom and slip very quietly into bed. And it never bloody
works! She still turns over and shouts "Where
have you been until this time of night?"
"No mate," says the second man,
"you're doing it all wrong. When I get home late at night, I swing
the garden gate backwards and forwards to make as much squeaking noise as
possible. The I slam the front door, turn on all the lights, and stomp up the
stairs into the bedroom. I jump into bed and give the wife a good nudge in the
ribs and say "How about it then luv?"
and you can bet you've never seen a woman sleep so deeply." |
Two couples went away on holiday together, staying in
two caravans on the south coast. Because the two men tended to stay out late
boozing, it was decided that the women would share one caravan and the men
would share the other.
On the third night Jack woke up suddenly and exclaimed "My God, I've got such a big one on me tonight. The best
ever. I'll have to go and see the wife."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
asked Bob.
 "Of course not. Why do you
ask?".
"Because it's my dick you're holding."
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 A woman is mad because her husband forgot her birthday.
He replies: "But how do you expect me to remember
when you never look any older?" |
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Andy Williams went to pay a charity visit to an old
people's home to cheer up the residents.
 But he was dismayed that none of the residents seemed to recognise
him. Instead they all looked mystified. Finally he went up to one old lady and
said "Do you know who I am?".
The old lady whispered "No, but don't worry, Matron will tell
you." |
 Mr and Mrs Harris were desperate to start a family, but after trying
for years, they became convinced that it was not meant to happen. So, as a last
resort they decided to employ the services of a sperm donor whom they had never
met.
On the morning that the sperm donor was due to call, Mr Harris set off for work
as usual and wished his wife good luck. She wasn't looking forward to it. As
chance would have it, that same morning a travelling baby photographer was also
in the area and called at the Harrises' house.
 Mrs Harris answered the door. She was expecting the
sperm donor.
"Good morning, Madam" said the
photographer. "You don't know me, but I've come
to….."
"Yes, I know," she interrupted.
"There's no need to explain. Come in. I've been
expecting you."
"Really?" said the photographer,
thinking that his advertising must have paid off. "I
must say that I have made a speciality of babies."
"That's what my husband and I were
hoping," she said. "So where do we
start?"
"Well I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. That seems to work for me."
"No wonder George and I haven't had much
luck…"
"If we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the results."
"I do hope so," she said nervously.
"Can we get this over with quickly?"
"In my line of work I have to take my
time," he replied. "It's no good rushing
these things. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I think you'd be
disappointed with that."
"That's true," she sighed knowingly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of baby
pictures.
"This one was done on top of a bus," he
explained.
"Oh my!" exclaimed Mrs Harris.
"And these twins turned out really well considering
that their mother insisted we go outdoors. I had to take her over to Hyde Park
to get the job done properly. People were crowding four deep to watch. It took
over three hours in all. It was really exhausting."
By now Mrs Harris was looking decidedly worried. "Right," he said. "I'll just get my tripod."
"Tripod?"
"Yes, I need a tripod on which to rest my
Canon." At which point Mrs Harris fainted. |
The young girl stormed back into the flat looking
very angry. "What's up with you?"
asked her friend. "It's
my new boyfriend, Colin. I had to slap his face four times
tonight."
 "Really,"
she exclaimed, "trying
it on all the time is he?" "No," she
retorted, "the blighter keeps falling
asleep." |
The car was parked down lovers' lane and was rocking
backwards and forwards as the young couple got it together on the back
seat.
"Oh James," she
whispered passionately. "Will you love me
like this when we're married?" "You
bet," he replied,
"I really go for married women." |
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 A police officer pulls a guy over
for speeding and has the following conversation...
Officer: "May I see your driving licence?"
Driver: "I don't have one. I've been banned from driving."
Officer: "May I see the registration document for
this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car's stolen?"
 Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think
I saw the log book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes officer. That's where I put it after I shot and killed
the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot."
Officer: "There's a dead body in the boot?"
Driver:"Yes"
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his
Inspector. The car was quickly surrounded by armed police, and the Inspector
approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Inspector: "Sir, can I see your driving
licence?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is."
Inspector: "whose car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration
document."
Inspector: "Can you slowly open your glove box so I
can see if there's a gun in it?"
Driver: "Of course, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough,
there was nothing in the glove box.
Inspector: "Would you mind opening your boot? I was
told you said there's a body in it."
Driver: "No problem." The boot is opened and there's no body.
Inspector: "I don't understand it. The officer who
stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a
gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot."
Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying scumbag told you I was speeding,
too." |
DRUGS ALERT - PLEASE BE AWARE.
Police are warning all men who are regular clubbers,
party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be
 more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
There is a drug called beer, which is essentially in liquid form. The drug is
now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male
victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available
virtually anywhere!
All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any bloke and simply ask
him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless
against such attacks, which
 come from otherwise attractive women who render their
prey legless in order to have their evil way. PLEASE!
WARN EVERY MAN YOU KNOW…
However, if you fall victim to this deceptive drug and the crooked women who
are handing it out, there are male support groups with venues in every area
where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and
frank manner with a bunch of similarly affected, like-minded blokes.
 For your nearest venue, simply look up 'Pub' in the
Yellow Pages. |
Johnny comes rushing home from school,
"Dad, dad," he
shouts. "I've done it. I've got a part in the
new play." "Well done son, what is it?"
"I play an old man who's been married for 35
years." "That's a good start. Next time you might get a
speaking part." |
| A woman walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist
if he sells extra large condoms. He replies: "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
The woman says: "No, but do you mind if I
wait around until someone does?" |
What a woman says and what she means:
| We need |
MEANS |
I want |
| I heard a noise |
MEANS |
I noticed you were nearly
asleep |
| Do you love me? |
MEANS |
I'm going to ask for something
expensive |
| We need to talk |
MEANS |
I need to complain |
| You're attentive tonight |
MEANS |
Is sex all you ever think
about? |
| It's not you |
MEANS |
It's you |
| I just need some space |
MEANS |
without you in it |
| I'll be ready in a minute |
MEANS |
I'll be ready in an hour |
| Yes |
MEANS |
No |
| No |
MEANS |
No |
| Maybe |
MEANS |
No |
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Three men die on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven
where they are met by St. Peter.
St Peter says: "In
honour of the season you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas
to gain access to heaven."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out
two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they symbolise?"
asks St Peter.
"They're candles!" replies the man.
St Peter smiles: "Ah!
You may pass through the pearly gates!"
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out
a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.
"What do they symbolise?"
asks St. Peter.
"They're bells!" says the man.
"Ah! You may pass through the pearly
gates!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets,
finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's knickers. He holds them up
proudly.
"What do they symbolise?"
asks St Peter.
"They're Carol's!" replies the man. |
A young lady is hitch-hiking in the countryside with little success.
Suddenly, a businessman in a Rolls Royce pulls up, offering a lift. She
gratefully accepts and after the usual discourse, the young lady admires the
car, with its luxurious fittings. Becoming more confident and bolder, she opens
the glove locker and takes out a golf T, an item she hadn't seen before.
 "What is this for" she asked
out of curiosity. "Oh" replies the
businessman, " I place my balls on that before I
drive off". "Gosh" replied
the young lady, "Rolls Royce think of everything,
don't they". |
A bloke is out shopping and discovers a new brand of
condoms called Olympic. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon returning home
he tells his wife about them. "Olympic
condoms?" she replies: "What makes them so special?"
The man says: "Well,
there are three colours - gold, silver and bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear
tonight?"
 she asks wearily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife gives him a withering look and says:
"What about silver? It'd be nice if you tried coming
second for a change." |
| "You didn't stop at the last junction," said the policeman to the motorist. "I'll have to
breathalyse you." The officer held up the
bag. "What's that?"
asked the driver. "This tells you if you've
had too much to drink," he replied.
"Well I never!" he
exclaimed, "I'm married to one of
those." |
Dear IT Support
Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which
I'd used for years without any
 trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two
products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound
turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other
applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left
a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time,
only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused
severe damage to my hardware.
Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to wife 1.0, which I
reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available
resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very
unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically
stored in
 Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced
months later when I had forgot about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can,
without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no
help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.
Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drains my resources.
It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that
they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Ford Mondeo
programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather
annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.
 Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there
could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects
the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before
un-installing itself. |
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How to impress a lady:
Compliment her, respect her, honour her, cuddle her, kiss
her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug
her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her,
listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the
Earth for her.
How to impress a man: Show up naked. Bring food.
|
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one
day and told him to come into his office.
"What's your name?"
was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new
guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you
worked at
 before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what's your
last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you
is..." |
 Actual answering machine messages verified by the world famous
International Institute of Answering Machines.
Hi. This is John. If you are BT, I already paid the bill.
If you are my parents, please send some money. If you are my bank manager, you
didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you
are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering
 machine just eloped with her dishwasher, so I'm stuck with taking
her calls. Say if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable
of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing, insurance, or
carpet cleaning. They already give to charity and do not need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get
back to you."
 "This is not an answering machine-this
is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll
think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's
you."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
 "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are
getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your
willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail
System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember
to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we've finished brushing our teeth we'll
get back to you... |
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